America Can't Be Trumped

All the Fake News That's Fit to Print

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 15, 2024 LATE EDITION

COVFEFE CRISISMEME WARFARE2024 ELECTION CIRCUSALTERNATIVE FACTS VS. REALITY

Congress Bans Logic, Cites 'Unfair Advantage'

Lawmakers argue rational thinking hinders political process

10:30 AM OCT 15

White House Hires Mime as Press Secretary

Silent treatment deemed most transparent communication yet

11:45 AM OCT 15

NASA Finds Intelligent Life, Decides to Keep Quiet

Aliens reportedly unimpressed with Earth's reality TV

1:15 PM OCT 15

Supreme Court Rules Pineapple on Pizza Unconstitutional

Italian-Americans celebrate historic decision

2:30 PM OCT 15

PRESIDENT DECLARES TWITTER NATIONAL LANGUAGE

ALL FUTURE LAWS TO BE WRITTEN IN 280 CHARACTERS OR LESS

In an unprecedented move, the President has declared Twitter the new national language, citing the need for "more covfefe in our daily communications." Critics argue that complex policies can't be explained in 280 characters, to which the President's replied: "SAD!"

The announcement came as a shock to many, but not to those who have been closely following the administration's communication strategy. "We've been trending towards this for years," said one political analyst, who wished to remain anonymous to avoid being unfollowed.

As part of the new language policy, the Library of Congress will be converted into a massive server farm to host the nation's tweets. The Constitution will be rewritten as a thread, with each amendment limited to a single tweet.

"This is a great day for America," tweeted the President. "No more long speeches. No more boring laws. Just short, sweet, and to the point. #MACA (Make America Concise Again)"

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